Revisiting My Journey of Self-Discovery

Many years ago, I began a journey of self-discovery. I had just completed the long arduous task of getting through the legalities of a divorce. I was angry, lonely, and scared about what life had in store for me since I was pissing all over the whole “sanctity of marriage” thing. I felt like I was incredibly weak for giving up and walking away. I was struck with incredible fear that I might never be able to stick out anything long enough to ever feel a sense of accomplishment - six years with a honorable discharge from the Navy be damned. It scared the living shit out of me that I was so flawed I couldn’t fix me enough to fix my marriage - damn that it takes two people to make a marriage fall to pieces.

I desperately wanted to go traveling but didn’t have the money, so I decided I’d take my soul and heart on a journey of recovery without actually leaving my physical life as it was. I wanted to eat the foods I enjoyed, I wanted to experience the things in life that gave ME pleasure, and I wanted to find a sense of spirituality that taught me how to love the most important of all - me. These were the things that lacked in my marriage, and damn it, these were the things I was going to get back!

I realized that I didn’t have to eat meat if I didn’t want to. If I only wanted to eat red bloody meat when I needed that extra boost of iron once a month, then by god that’s the only time I was going to eat it. If I wanted bright vibrant flowers in my apartment because I needed something alive that eventually I could use as a metaphor for the death of some horrible self-destructive thought then I bought them. I saw the beauty of fresh markets, black box theaters and self-made art (that really isn’t all that interesting other than for the symbology of the creation). I tried my hand at painting (I suck), I read books that made me feel good (not depressive self-help things) and I learned to sit quietly, stroke my ego enough to let my mind heal my heart rather than point out all my flaws (the hardest of all). I began having conversations with my god (whom I believe is a woman, but for the sake of time and reduced intellectual analysis, we’ll call her God), and I began to understand the beauty of the world around me.

So why do I tell you this? First, its my birthday, and for the first time in many many years, I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be in my life. This is not to be confused with where I thought I’d be. I am loved, I love, I listen to the world around me, and I recognize how very lucky I’ve been in my life. My journey is not over, each day is a new beginning; but I feel like I’ve come a long way in my love for who I am, knowing what gives me pleasure, and my spirituality.

Secondly, over the weekend, I was given “eat pray love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. One of my sisters gave me this book as a birthday present. At first, I was a little skeptical about it - just for a split second though. I opened it, read the introduction and was hooked. I can’t seem to put it down - example: I rarely take a book to the bathroom - I’m just not in there long enough to read more than a few sentences, but this book is beginning to tell me how much it likes the color scheme in the shower curtain. Here’s why: Gilbert takes on the physical part of the journey of self-discovery that so many of us can’t afford to take. There are three parts of her journey. The first is her four months in Italy, where she lives passionately from bowls of pasta to Cannolis. The second leg of her journey is living in an Ashran in India, where she learns to “sit quietly” and listen through meditation. This is the place she begins to understand devotion to her God and to herself. More importantly she’s learning to “let go”. The third leg of her journey, which I haven’t gotten to in the book yet is to Indonesia. The beginning of “book three” states this is the 36 tales about the pursuit of balance. As I stated, I haven’t gotten to this leg of her journey in the book yet, so I can’t really tell you about it. I can say I can’t wait to get there.

The beauty of this book is in Gilbert’s honesty, humility, and enlightenment. I am recognizing my own journey in hers. Over the years, I have felt cheated that I couldn’t take time away from the world to get my shit together after my divorce. I felt like I did what I could to maintain while still dealing with the pressures of the “real world” and I always wondered how much better I would have been if I could have just picked up and traveled. This book changed this regret. Gilbert verbalizes all the negative self-talk and the rationalization our mind goes through during the moments of self-realizations in a hilarious way that leaves me shaking my head vigorously and laughing out loud as I remember the same basic conversation going on in my own head.

“eat pray love” is an amazing book for anyone who has been through self-realization adversity. I am having a wonderful time looking back over the difficult times in my life (not the divorce, but the self-discovery) realizing I got through it with amazing resilience and that I’m just where I am supposed to be today on my 33rd birthday.